you have four days to feel better.
(click-append:"you have four days to feel better.")[
what a pity it would be,
(click-append:"what a pity it would be,")[ to spend twenty thousand dollars]
(click-append:" to spend twenty thousand dollars")[ and four days]
(click-append:" and four days")[ and five nights]
(click-append:" and five nights")[ and three emergency room visits]
(click-append:" and three emergency room visits")[ and seven phone calls from your mother begging you to let her in]
(click-append:" and seven phone calls from your mother begging you to let her in")[... only to not feel better at the end of it.]
(click-replace:"what a pity it would be, to spend twenty thousand dollars and four days and five nights and three emergency room visits and seven phone calls from your mother begging you to let her in... only to not feel better at the end of it.")[
(after:5s)[the doctors—]
(after:8s)[
the one who praised you for coming in with your wrists bandaged and damp with petroleum jelly;]
(after:12s)[
the one who asked if putting a medical wristband onto your wrist would hurt;]
(after:16s)[
the one who asked "what's wrong with your arm?" when they saw the scars on your forearms like tally marks counting all the times you fell apart;]
(after:20s)[
the one whose touch grazed your shoulder and whose eyes said, "you must be in so much pain"]
(after:24s)[—called you brave.]]
(click-append:"brave.")[
[[(yet, as you are driven to another hospital, you feel anything but brave.)->three days]]]]you have three days to feel better.
(click-append:"you have three days to feel better.")[
the nurses here speak as though you are made of glass and too loud a noise will shatter you.]
(click-append:"shatter you.")[
[[(what really shatters you is how little time you have.)->two days]]]you have two days to feel better.
(click-append:"you have two days to feel better.")[ but it's hard to know what you're feeling when every day is a cycle of (cycling-link:"sleeping", "eating", "attending group sessions", "reading self-help books", "calling your parents and roommates", "telling the psychiatrist you no longer want to die because you don't know what else to say").
(after:7s)[soon, you will have one day to feel better.]
(after:12s)[then you will have [[no more days->middle]].]]you have one day to feel better.
(click-append:"you have one day to feel better.")[
[[(and you will feel better one day.)->deserve]]](after:2s)[every day, there's a phone call to make.]
(after:5s)[you look at the clock on the wall.]
(after: 8s)[blocky, red numbers counting down the minutes until your father gets off work and your roommates settle in for the evening.]
(after:12s)[counting down the minutes until you can hear their voices.]
(after:16s)[and in the gentle concern of their words, their reassurances that you can call them anytime, their insistence that you are not a burden, you realize something:]
(after:20s)[[[you would be missed if you were gone.->one day]]][[four days->four days]]
content warning: themes of suicide, self harm//you only have four days.//
{(click-replace:"only")[deserve]
(click-replace:"have")[to]
(click-replace:"four")[feel]
(click-replace:"days")[better]}
(more:)[//no matter how much time you have.//]