Girth Loinhammer and the Quest for the Unsee Elixir

=><= <u>GIRTH LOINHAMMER AND THE QUEST FOR THE UNSEE ELIXIR</u> [[BEGIN GAME|beginning]] [[HOW TO PLAY]] [[CREDITS]]

I know you're cheating. You gain the trait: IN DENIAL. Note this on your Adventure Sheet now. You also gain 20 points of SELF ESTEEM, due to being IN DENIAL. Note this too. [[Now get on with the story.|If your self esteem is zero or lower, click here.]]

It's fair to say that things could be better. You see, although you've done well to establish your fearsome underground lair, it hasn't generated quite the response you were aiming for. The truth is, despite your dungeon's entire purpose being to inflict unimaginable suffering upon those who dare to venture within its gates, those who venture within its gates are 100% okay with that arrangement. There's nothing worse than vigorously whipping someone for several minutes, only to discover that their screams of pain are in fact screams of...not pain. You decide to take your mind off it somehow. [[Lurk just inside the gates and pummel your next visitor with a spiky bit of wood.]] [[Stretch your latest prisoner on the dreaded Rack of Zhoug.]] [[Kick a few of your goblin slaves into a cauldron of acid.]]

You hide in a little alcove just inside your dungeon gates. You had it installed especially for this purpose. You're smart like that. Before too long, you hear the unmistakeable sound of a pick in the lock. At least, you think the sound is unmistakeable. The longer it goes on, the more you begin to suspect that you were in fact mistaken. There's something in the keyhole, but you're no longer convinced it's a lockpick. The sound is less like a thief delicately manipulating the mechanism and more like a butcher drunkenly attempting to deliver a fun-size saveloy through a door without a letterbox. Curious, you open the gates of your dungeon and immediately wish you hadn't. You gain the trait: FRANKFURTER-PHOBIC. Note this on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Thus begins your Quest for the Unsee Elixir.]]

You throw open the doors of the rack-room, see way more orcish nudity than you ever wanted to see, and immediately close them again. You're not sure how someone manages to wriggle out of their clothes without also wriggling out of the torture device they're chained to at the time. However - regrettably - you do have at least an inkling as to why. You gain the trait: ORCULAR TRAUMA. Note this on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Thus begins your Quest for the Unsee Elixir.]]

You approach the grim little dormitory where your goblin slaves live, lugging the massive cauldron of acid behind you. Pushing open the door, you discover the goblins in an enormous pile, huddling together for warmth. At least, you call it huddling. There's a fair bit of vigorous movement going on. And though it certainly looks warm, you're becoming less and less confident that that's why they're doing it. Suddenly, and much later than ideal, you realise that you have been watching this happen for significantly longer than you really wanted to. You gain the trait: GROSSED-OUT BY GOBLINS. Note this on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Thus begins your Quest for the Unsee Elixir.]]

You stumble out the gates of your mighty dungeon and run down the dusty path through the badlands that leads away from it. Your eyes release streams of brine in a manly attempt to cleanse themselves of the hideousness they have witnessed (which is not the same as crying), but alas it is in vain. You have heard of a marvellous, magical potion that could expunge these images from your mind. That potion is booze. [[Go to rockin' orcish nightclub, Megalurtz.]] [[Go to namby-pamby elf bar, Legless.]]

Do you have the trait: ORCULAR TRAUMA? [[Yes.|Megalurtz orcular trauma yes]] [[No.|Megalurtz orcular trauma no]]

You walk over to Legless and step through the door, half surprised it doesn't have one of those tinkly little tea-room bells on it. The bar is almost full, and you don't like the look of anybody there. There are only two free seats. [[Sit by the short beardy chap in the green jacket.]] [[Sit by the tall beautiful woman wearing what appears to be an entire bear skin.]]

Having now thought about it for more than half a second, you're not absolutely positively certain that you want to hang around in a room full of sweaty, raving orcs right now. You're just not sure you're up to it. Do you also have the trait: IN DENIAL? [[Yes.|Megalurtz in denial yes]] [[No.|Megalurtz in denial no]]

You enter a deafening hell-world of sweat, booze, and unpleasantly sweaty booze. Megalurtz has some real top-shelf brandies and liqueurs, and for the most part the top shelf is exactly where they stay. It doesn't matter to you, though. You always go for the same couple of options. "Hey, it's that guy!" bellows an extremely drunk orc, stumbling towards you. You're positive the two of you have never met before. "This guy's the best!" he says, throwing an arm around you and slopping cheap pilsner down your front in the process. "I love this guy! Me and him, we's like the three amigos." GHARUG THRO-UPP has joined your party. This isn't a pun on the word "party," by the way. It's happening. Add him to your Adventure Sheet now. You need a drink. [[Order a mead.]] [[Order twelve meads.]]

Of course! This is fine. Everything's fine! Draw a HAPPY FACE on your Adventure Sheet, just to illustrate how absolutely okay you are with the events currently unfolding. [[You step inside Megalurtz.|Megalurtz orcular trauma no]]

Yeah. Actually, having now thought about it for more than a couple of seconds, you really don't fancy doing anything involving orcs right now. [[Go to namby-pamby elf bar, Legless.]]

You drink the mead. It's woefully inadequate. [[Order another mead.|mead 2]] [[Order another eleven meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

You know what pairs nicely with a dozen flagons of mead? A dozen more flagons of mead! But you're having trouble doing numbers in your head right now for some reason, so you lose count somewhere around twenty-teen and have to start over. [[One...|booze vision]]

You drink the second mead. It's still woefully inadequate. [[Order another mead.|mead 3]] [[Order another ten meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

You drink the third mead. It doesn't do all that much to help matters. [[Order another mead.|mead 4]] [[Order another nine meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

You drink the fourfth mead. You feel bashically no different at all. [[Order another mead.|mead 5]] [[Order another eight meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

You order twelve meads and the gross sweaty bartender lines them up in front of you while a crowd of cheering orcs looks on in awe. "Legend!" shouts thro-Upp. You gain 4 SELF ESTEEM. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. "Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" chant the orcs. [[Chug twelve meads.]]

BELCH! [[Order another mead.|mead 6]] [[Order another seven meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

Ninety-nine flagons of mead on the wall. Ninety-nine flagons of meeeeeeeeeeeeeead!!! [[Order another mead.|mead 7]] [[Order another six meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

You take one down, pass it around... [[Order another mead.|mead 8]] [[Order another five meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

...then you realise that you don't want to share your mead, punch everybody else and take it back. [[Order another mead.|mead 9]] [[Order another four meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

And also you've got, like, ninety-eight more flagons of mead on the wall, and that's a pretty good time. [[Order another mead.|mead 10]] [[Order another three meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

You think the mead might be working. You're pretty sure you can't remember that terrible, terrible thing you saw earlier. Oh. Wait. That was it. [[Order another mead.|mead 11]] [[Order another two meads.|Chug twelve meads.]]

You think... HIC! You think... HIC! ...you think the floor wants to be friends with you. THE FLOOR has joined your party. Don't add it to your Adventure Sheet, though: the floor's a dick. [[Order another mead.|Chug twelve meads.]] [[Order another mead.|Chug twelve meads.]]

You find yourself transported to a magical land of kittens and rainbows on the back of a majestic unicorn! It's awful. If you died, this would probably be your own personal hell. Oh, man. HAVE you died? Because that would suck. [[Assume you're dead.]] [[Assume you're not dead.]] [[If you have either trait IN DENIAL or MR. BRIGHTSIDE: Assume you're not dead, but like, assume harder.|Assume you're not dead.]]

"Hey," you say, as you take the free stool next to him. "Hey yourself!" he snaps. Dude, touchy. [[Ask what this guy's deal is.]] [[Punch him on the side of the head.]] [[Buy and consume a fruity cocktail.]]

It turns out she is definitely wearing an entire bear skin. The head of her slain foe flips up to make a hood with little round ears. It's fearsome //and// adorable. "Hey there, hot stuff," she says as you take your seat at the bar. You're uncertain whether or not she's being sarcastic. Roll a die. If the result is four or higher, you gain 10 SELF ESTEEM. If it is three or lower, you lose 10 SELF ESTEEM. Record the new value on your Adventure Sheet either way. [[Respond with a cheesy pick-up line.]] [[Introduce yourself.]]

"Hey baby," you say, seductively. "Are you a suspiciously gristly kebab? Because I'd like to take you home and hope I don't immediately get food poisoning." You gain the trait: SMOOTH MOVES. But you gain it ironically. Note it on your Adventure Sheet in scare quotes. She squints at you. "I can't tell if this is a symptom of some sort of personal crisis or if you actually thought I was going to respond well to that." [[If your SELF ESTEEM is greater than zero, click here.|Legless self esteem check high]] [[If your SELF ESTEEM is zero or lower, click here.|Legless self esteem check low]]

"Girth Loinhammer," you announce. "Dungeon Lord." "Betilla Bearbane," she replies. "Adventurer for hire. Are you perhaps on a quest? I may join you for a price." "Right now, my only quest is for booze." "Ah!" Betilla smiles. "I shall join you on that quest for free." BETILLA BEARBANE has joined your party. Add her to your Adventure Sheet now. [[Buy and consume a fruity cocktail.]]

You're not sure why you're pursuing this avenue of conversation. You're not looking for a relationship, and given the turn your dungeon has taken you're definitely not looking for a casual hookup either. This was a monumentally stupid idea all round. But you've got too much pride right now to admit that so you just keep digging yourself further into this hole. "Then are you day-old guacamole, because-" She takes this opportunity to yeet you into the sun. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You're actually not sure why you went with the pick-up line yourself. You aren't looking for a relationship, and given the turn your dungeon has taken you're definitely not looking for a casual hookup either. This was a monumentally stupid idea all round. "It...hasn't been the best day," you admit. "Want to talk about it?" she asks. [[Yes.|talk about it]] [[No.|don't talk about it]]

You describe the earlier incident in extraordinarily graphic detail. The lady at the bar next to you stares blankly for a few moments, drains her glass, then flips up her bear-head-hood and leaves. She doesn't even say goodbye, she just sort of edges her way out of the bar. You lose 2 SELF ESTEEM. Record this on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Sit by the short beardy chap in the green jacket.|beardy guy leaves]] [[Buy and consume a fruity cocktail.]]

"Not really," you say. "No." "Fair enough." She turns back to her elaborate fruity cocktail. You really don't want to describe the day's, uh, unpleasantness, but still it's nice to know that somebody cared enough to ask: you gain 2 SELF ESTEEM. Record this on your Adventure Sheet now. Just sitting here in silence is incredibly awkward, though. You should probably do something about that. [[Move to the seat next to the short beardy chap in the green jacket.|Sit by the short beardy chap in the green jacket.]] [[Buy and consume a fruity cocktail.]]

You spend a few minutes examining the ludicrously huge menu of overly elaborate cocktails before remembering that you can't read. Oh well. Everything everyone else is drinking looks good. Roll a die: you'll just point to one at random. [[1|spiced pear martini]] [[2|fresh cucumber punch]] [[3|fizzy apple cocktail]] [[4|horsefeather]] [[5|snakebite]] [[6|corpse reviver]]

You move next to the short beardy chap in the green jacket. "Nope." The chap hops off his barstool and hurries out the door. Presumably he overheard your conversation just now. You lose 2 MORE SELF ESTEEM. Record this on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Buy and consume a fruity cocktail.]]

"Hey!" you say again, for want of anything more original. "What's your deal?" "Sorry," he says, sheepishly running his finger around the edge of his glass. "I'm just...it's been a tough couple of weeks for me." [[Tell him you're not doing great either.]] [[Ask if he wants to talk about it.]] [[Punch him on the side of the head.]]

You punch that guy on the side of the head //so hard//. He lets out a loud yelp and falls off his stool, knocking his giant margherita glass of colourful slushy booze off the bar in the process. He lies motionless in the tequila-scented stickiness spreading slowly across the floor. Awesome. And the spillage gives you the perfect idea what to order! "One frozen strawberry daiquiri, please!" "No," says the bartender. "Get out." "Fine!" you say. "I shall take my business elsewhere." You turn on your heel, slip in the extremely treacherous puddle of crushed ice, and crack your head on the bar. You gain the trait: MILD(?) CONCUSSION. Note it on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Wibble-wobble wibble-wobble...|booze vision]]

Hang on a second. Do you have the trait: IN DENIAL? [[Yes.|leprechaun in denial yes]] [[No.|leprechaun in denial no]]

"I'm a leprechaun, you see. We're supposed to be lucky, but a while back - pretty sure it was Friday 13th - I walked under a ladder and accidentally tripped over a black cat that was crossing my path, causing me to drop the mirror I was carrying. Ever since then..." A seagull flies through the door, does a quick lap of the room, poops in his drink and flies out again. He shrugs. "That, basically." [[Tell him you're not doing great either.]] [[Laugh at his misfortune, because seriously that is pretty funny.]]

"Well, sucks to be you!" you taunt. You do that thumbs-in-ears-finger-flapping-tongue-out gesture too for good measure: "Nyaah nyaah!" The guy gives a contemptuous grunt and goes back to his slushy fruity drink. [[Buy and consume a fruity cocktail.]] [[Punch him on the side of the head.]]

Without going into too much detail, you explain that you've had some pretty rotten luck yourself. Today in particular, but also for the last little while in general. You could really do with some way of just forgetting about your problems for a while. And today's events forever. "Booze?" he offers. You nod: "Booze." UNLUCKY LEPRECHAUN LOGAN O'LEARY has joined your party. Add him to your Adventure Sheet now. [[Buy and consume a fruity cocktail.]]

You gain 20 SELF ESTEEM. Record this on your Adventure Sheet now. Sure it's kind of a dick move, but honestly it is quite reassuring to know there's someone out there having (apparently) a harder time than you are. You gain the trait: MR. BRIGHTSIDE. Note this on your Adventure Sheet too. It will almost certainly not come back to bite you later. [[Buy and consume a fruity cocktail.]]

"One of these," you say, pointing to...something. The bartender expertly juggles ingredients before turning back to you: "One spiced pear martini." Oh, man is that good! [[You have several more.]]

"One of these," you say, pointing to...something. The bartender expertly juggles ingredients before turning back to you: "One fresh cucumber punch." That's...uh...not what you would have chosen on purpose, but wow does it taste great! [[You have several more.]]

"One of these," you say, pointing to...something. The bartender expertly juggles ingredients before turning back to you: "One fizzy apple cocktail." Hey, neat! It's got layers and everything. [[You have several more.]]

"One of these," you say, pointing to...something. The bartender expertly juggles ingredients before turning back to you: "One horsefeather." The drink is disappointingly simple. It isn't on fire, there's no teeny tiny ice sculpture floating in it, there isn't even a little umbrella. It does taste good, though. [[You have several more.]]

"One of these," you say, pointing to...something. The bartender whacks half a pint of cheap lager and half a pint of cheap cider into a one-pint glass: "One...ugh...snakebite. Enjoy." You take a sip. Yep - definitely could have picked something better. [[You have several more.]]

"One of these," you say, pointing to...something. "Are you sure that's what you want?" asks the bartender. This only makes you want it more. "Certain!" "Okay, then. It's your funeral...in a manner of speaking." Well, that's not ominous at all! The bartender mixes up a suspiciously arcane-looking beverage, and you take a big gulp. It's not so much a stiff drink as it is incomprehensible. You can feel dark forces gathering and shifting deep inside your core. Then you let out a massive belch and suddenly everything's back to normal. And then you fall off your stool and pass out. You gain a trait, but I'm not going to tell you what it is yet. Draw A SPOOKY SKULL on your Adventure Sheet to represent this. You'll find out what it means when the time comes. [[Lie unconscious on the floor of the bar and probably don't wet yourself.|booze vision]]

You take back all the disparaging things you've said about Legless in the past: this place is pretty neat. You stumble out the door having more or less forgotten about the terrible events of earlier today. But not completely, because you're still very aware that you want to forget them. Also, certain images have been seared into your eyeballs. Images that cannot be unseen. HARVEY THE RABBIT joined your party at some point during the day's drinking, by the way. Add him to your Adventure Sheet now. [[Pass out in a ditch.|booze vision]]

Well, at least you don't have to put up with any more weirdos marching into your dungeon and demanding to be whipped. That's not what it's for! Actually, you suppose that's exactly what it's for. But they're not supposed to like it. [[A mysterious form coalesces from the ether before you.]]

No, no, of course not. You've clearly been transported to this magical rainbow land by some sort of ordinary everyday occurrence. The fact that it so clearly matches up with your own expectations of eternal torment is pure coincidence. You can only hope that somebody turns up to explain why you - Girth Loinhammer, Dungeon Lord - are now sitting on the back of a unicorn in what is so obviously not the afterlife. [[A mysterious form coalesces from the ether before you.]]

The figure standing before you is...you! But he's got, like, a mystical third eye. And an enchanted fourth eyebrow. "Greetings, Girth," says the apparition. "I am your spirit guide. Try the apple brandy: it's excellent." "What?" you say. "Sorry. Ghost puns. Anyway, I've been watching you for a while now, and oof. The last guy I had to look after was Saint Dicktwist the Twice-martyred, and I think that was actually the easier watch." "Okay," you say, "I get it." "I'm not sure you do. I've got three eyes. I can witness humiliation across all eighteen dimensions. The force of my cringe could..." [["Get to the point!"]] [[Get to the point (but, like, by making your unicorn steed impale him on its horn).]]

"The point," says your mystical doppelganger, "is that we've both seen things we'd rather not have seen, and I'm here to tell you how to //unsee// them." "Can...can that be done?" you ask. Your spirit guide nods. "It can indeed. And here's how..." [[Listen intently.]] [[Wake up before you can hear anything useful.]]

"Yah! Yah!" you yell, digging your heels into the unicorn's sides. Nothing happens. You gain the trait: BEAST MASTER anyway for some reason. Note it on your Adventure Sheet now. "Yeah, no, it doesn't work like that," says your spirit guide. "But I can tell you're getting impatient, so without further delay I shall immediately..." [["Get to the point!"]]

"You must find the legendary Unsee Elixir, held within the Temple of Nepenthe's darkest depths." "Okay," you say. "And where is that?" "I'm just your subconscious," explains your spirit guide. "I can't provide any information you don't already know." "Then how do you know about the Unsee Elixir?" you ask. "That's news to me." "Maybe you read about it and just forgot?" he offers. "I really don't think so. And didn't you say you'd once been someone else's spirit guide? That doesn't make any sense." "Wibble-wobble!" cries your spirit guide, doing a wiggly-fingers gesture to symbolise the transition to a new chapter in your life's story. "Wibble-wobble, wibble-wobble, wibble wobble..." He begins to back away into the pastel-coloured mist. Also the unicorn you're sitting on swivels its head around 180 degrees and starts slobbering all over your face. [[Wait a minute. That's not a unicorn...]]

You awaken in a ditch with a dog licking your face. If you have the trait BEAST MASTER, you may add the HOUND OF HALITOSIS to your party (but you may not want to). You look around. Is there anybody with you (besides this exceptionally smelly mutt)? [[Gharug thro-Upp|wake-up Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|wake-up Betilla Bearbane]] [[Logan O'Leary|wake-up Logan O'Leary]] [[Harvey the Rabbit|wake-up Harvey the Rabbit]] [[Nope. Nobody.]]

Gharug thro-Upp is in the same ditch as you, and his face is now being licked by the same dog. He's awake, he's just letting it happen. It's pretty gross. "What happened?" you ask him, not particularly hopeful of a helpful response. "Dunno," says the orc. "You were talking in your sleep, though. The same two phrases: 'Unsee Elixir' and 'Temple of Nepenthe' over and over again, just like that." Well that is helpful! [[Travel to the Temple of Nepenthe.]]

Betilla Bearbane is standing at the edge of the ditch, tapping her foot in a disapproving manner. "What happened?" you mumble. "You got extremely hammered, stumbled out of Legless, then stumbled into this ditch. Also you kept muttering something: 'Unsee Elixir' and 'Temple of Nepenthe' over and over again." Well, that's something to go on, at least. [[Travel to the Temple of Nepenthe.]]

Logan O'Leary is standing on the path just beyond the ditch. You can pretty much only see him from the eyebrows up, on account of his short stature and the muddy bank between the two of you. "What happened?" you mumble. "You got absolutely fluthered and decided to take a nap in that ditch. Also you kept muttering in your sleep: 'Unsee Elixir' and 'Temple of Nepenthe' over and over again." "Well," you say, "thanks for sticking around all this time." "I didn't have much choice: me foot's in a beartrap here." You help Logan out and begin to make your way onwards. Three steps later, he has already stepped in a puddle, a cowpat, and a gobbit of ogre snot. This is going to be a long journey. [[Travel to the Temple of Nepenthe.]]

He's may be on your Adventure Sheet, but he's not here now. You suspect he may have been a drunken hallucination. Cross out (but do not actually erase) his name now. Is there anybody else? [[Gharug thro-Upp|wake-up Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|wake-up Betilla Bearbane]] [[Logan O'Leary|wake-up Logan O'Leary]] [[Nope. Nobody.]]

Well, you're pretty much completely screwed then, aren't you? You had a shot at discovering some method of expunging certain vile sights from your memory, but for no discernable reason you blew it. Your last slim hope was that there would be someone else around to pick up the slack - someone to provide the exposition you just decided to skip - and you couldn't even line that up. So yeah. Great job. Your adventure has failed because you somehow didn't manage to learn of the existence of the MacGuffin in the freaking title. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

It occurs to you that in order to travel to the Temple of Nepenthe, you will have to actually, uh, find out where it is. [[Ask a wizard.]] [[Ask a lizard.]]

You are Girth Loinhammer, Dungeon Lord! Roll two dice and subtract 15 from the total. This is your SELF ESTEEM. Record it on your Adventure Sheet. [[If your self esteem is greater than zero, click here.]] [[If your self esteem is zero or lower, click here.]] [[If you don't yet have an Adventure Sheet, click here.|HOW TO PLAY]]

//Girth Loinhammer and the Quest for the Unsee Elixir// is an old-school gamebook. To play it, you will need: * A pencil. * An eraser. * An [[Adventure Sheet]]. * A pair of six-sided dice. [[BACK|Start]]

//Girth Loinhammer and the Quest for the Unsee Elixir// Written by (link-repeat: "Damon L. Wakes")[(open-url: "https://damonwakes.wordpress.com/")]. Tested by (link-repeat: "Ruth Cassidy")[(open-url: "https://twitter.com/velcrocyborg")], (link-repeat: "G. Deyke")[(open-url: "https://gdeyke.wordpress.com")], (link-repeat: "Liam Hayes")[(open-url: "https://purplishprose.com/")], (link-repeat: "Jezz")[(open-url: "https://twitter.com/LoyaulteMeLie")], and (link-repeat: "WindySilver")[(open-url: "https://windysilver.net/")]. [[BACK|Start]]

This is your Adventure Sheet: a place to record your SELF ESTEEM, TRAITS, PARTY MEMBERS, and any other important information. (display: "ADVENTURE SHEET") If you right-click the image above (provided as PNG), you can view/save it in order to print a copy: it's designed to fit an A4 sheet of paper. Alternatively, a PDF version is available through (link-repeat: "this link")[(open-url: "https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ng1Mv_91MrPA63-pd1hidPbko19B3-Iy/view")]. If all else fails, you can simply make notes on any old scrap of paper, but it won't be as much fun. [[BACK|HOW TO PLAY]]

You awaken in a ditch with a dog licking your face. If you have the trait BEAST MASTER, you may add the HOUND OF HALITOSIS to your party (but you may not want to). Speaking of your party, is HARVEY THE RABBIT with you right now? [[Yes.|Harvey yes]] [[No.|Travel to the Temple of Nepenthe.]]

The correct answer was actually "no." Harvey the Rabbit may be on your Adventure Sheet, but in hindsight he was almost certainly a drunken hallucination. Cross out (but do not actually erase) his name now. [[Travel to the Temple of Nepenthe.]]

You head over to the local Mages' Guild. There at the front desk, just inside the entrance, is a bureaumancer...eating a sausage roll. Do you have the trait FRANKFURTER-PHOBIC? [[Yes.|bureaumancer frankfurter-phobic yes]] [[No.|bureaumancer frankfurter-phobic no]]

You make your way towards the Village of the Lizard People and OH GEEZ THERE'S A BEAR!!! It's just standing there in the middle of the path but, uh, you don't feel like messing with it. Is BETILLA BEARBANE among your party members? [[Yes.|bear Betilla Bearbane yes]] [[No.|bear Betilla Bearbane no]]

Is the HOUND OF HALITOSIS among your party members? [[Yes.|bureaumancer hound yes]] [[No.|bureaumancer hound no]]

You walk right up to the front desk because...why wouldn't you? What possible, horrible thing could possibly prompt you to develop a crippling fear of sausages? The very idea is ludicrous! [[Ask about the Temple of Nepenthe.]]

Using the BEAST MASTER skills that you somehow gained by failing to make imaginary unicorn do your bidding, you urge the Hound of Halitosis to devour that guy's lunch. Which it does. The guy coughs and splutters, and waves his hand in front of his nose because the dog apparently breathed pretty heavily in his nose while it was grabbing the pastry from right beneath it. "What is the meaning of this?" he demands. "Is that your dog?" Oh no. Now you must make a terrible choice: [[Abandon the HOUND OF HALITOSIS (removing it from your Adventure Sheet) and claim it is a stray.]] [[Stand by your exceptionally smelly doggo and ask a lizard for directions instead.]]

There's nothing else for it. You simply can't face that...ughhh...sausage roll. [[Ask a lizard instead.|Ask a lizard.]]

"Nope," you say. "Never seen it before in my life." The Hound of Halitosis gazes upon you with an anguished look of betrayal. Except actually it doesn't. It just sort of stands there licking up pastry crumbs despite your efforts to shoo it away. The bureaumancer believes you, though, which is the main thing. "So," he says. "How can I help?" [[Ask about the Temple of Nepenthe.]]

You know what? You may be a vindictive douchebag whose entire (intended) profession involves hurting people for money, but even you have standards. You gain 8 SELF ESTEEM. Record this on your Adventure Sheet now. If this desk-conjuring nobody doesn't like your dog, well, you'll just find somebody else to ask about the location of the mysterious temple that houses the Unsee Elixir. That's an odd sentence now that you think it out in your head. Also, having thought about it further, you're not sure that walking away and asking someone else is your only option here. The sausage roll is gone, after all, and with it the bureaumancer's only protection from you. [[Ask a lizard instead.|Ask a lizard.]] [[Punch this guy in the face and ask a different wizard here in the Mages' Guild.]]

"How should I know where the Temple of Nepenthe is?" snaps the bureaumancer. "I'm a wizard, not a priest." You gain the trait: QUITE ANNOYED. Note it on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Ask a priest.]]

You punch the bureaumancer in the face, instantly knocking him unconscious. It's pretty boss. You then march straight up the nearest spiral staircase, all the way to the top of the guild's highest tower. There you find the head mage himself: Albus Grumblebore. Is there A SPOOKY SKULL drawn on your Adventure Sheet? [[Yes.|mage skull yes]] [[No.|mage skull no]]

"My word!" Grumblebore sets down his sandwich and peers at you over his half-moon spectacles as you storm into the room. "I sense you have the potential to become a powerful necromancer!" You stop. "Really?" you ask. "You have imbibed the cocktail known as the 'Corpse Reviver,' have you not?" "I guess so." You can't say with 100% certainty, but if this guy thinks that's what happened then you're happy to take his word for it, and that would explain a lot. "You must stay and learn to wield your arcane power!" he exclaims. "Okay," you say, "but I'm on a quest right now and it's kind of a big thing. See, I've gotta find the unsee elixir that's been hidden away in..." "Here you go." Grumblebore chucks over a flask. It's got a label, but you can't read. "If you need any more, just let me know. I can whip it up like that!" He snaps his fingers. You take a gulp of the elixir and think back to...huh. What was it? Hey! This stuff works great! You gain 50 SELF ESTEEM. Cross out the SPOOKY SKULL on your Adventure Sheet, because you're about to take up a thrilling career in NECROMANCY: add it to your many Magic Powers. Who am I kidding? It's definitely the only one. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

Grumblebore shocks you with magical lightning. He doesn't even look away from the sandwich he's eating at the time. Just kind of points a finger at you and zzzZZZAP! It's super embarrassing. You lose 20 SELF ESTEEM. Don't bother noting that on your Adventure Sheet, though. You're dead. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

Your adventure might be over, but your Adventure Sheet is a lasting souvenir of...whatever that was. Take a photo and post it online with the hashtag (link-repeat: "#UnseeElixir")[(open-url: "https://twitter.com/search?q=%23UnseeElixir")]. You might like to see where other people's quests took them too! [[THE END|Start]]

Betilla Bearbane casually snaps the bear's neck and kicks its into a ditch. It's actually a little anticlimactic. [[Continue to the village of the lizard people.]]

Okay. Easy option out the window right there. Do you at least have the trait BEAST MASTER? [[Yes.|bear beast master yes]] [[No.|bear beast master no]]

You use your BEAST MASTER powers to bend this creature of the forest to your will. A FREAKIN' BEAR!!! has joined your party. Add it to your Adventure Sheet now. [[Continue to the village of the lizard people.]]

I'm not gonna lie. You've been dealt a lot of low cards here. Do you have either trait IN DENIAL or MR. BRIGHTSIDE? [[IN DENIAL|bear in denial]] [[MR. BRIGHTSIDE|bear mr. brightside]] [[Both!|in denial and mr. brightside]] [[No.|bear no traits]]

You know what? Turns out there isn't a bear blocking your path after all! You carry on unimpeded. Don't look at me like that. If you're going to cheat at the earliest possible opportunity, you can't be surprised if the rest of the game lacks any real challenge. [[Continue to the village of the lizard people.]]

Look, obviously you're concerned about the bear. You're more or less positive that there's at least a possibility that if the bear notices you, it'll eat your face. But isn't that just symptomatic of a worldview that divides every being you encounter into either a potential party member to be recruited or a foe to be dispatched? Isn't it possible that at least some of the random rats, spiders and slimes you encounter in the wilderness are just going about their day and have no strong feelings about you one way or the other? Hoping this is the case, you elect to continue along the path towards the bear, speaking softly in a pleasant tone of voice so that it doesn't feel as though you're trying to sneak up on it. Clearly this was the right course of action, because A FREAKIN' BEAR!!! joins your party. Add it to your Adventure Sheet now. [[Continue to the village of the lizard people.]]

Yeah, see, that's a freakin' bear right there. If you're not mentally equipped to deal with it, then I don't really know what you can do. It would take an absolute ass-pull of a plot development to get you to the lizard village at this point. [[Hope something incredibly convenient happens to get you past this bear.]]

You hope really hard that something incredibly convenient happens. Suddenly, and at that precise moment, a pair of goblins bursts from the undergrowth! "We can help you get past that bear," they cackle in unison, "...for a price." First things first, though: do you have the trait GROSSED-OUT BY GOBLINS? [[Yes.|bear grossed-out by goblins yes]] [[No.|bear grossed-out by goblins no]]

You arrive at the village of the lizard people. "Welcome," says a lizard person, standing at the gates to the village of the lizard people, "to the village of the lizard people! State your business and enter as friend." "I seek the Temple of Nepenthe!" you announce, because talking like some theatre douchebag seems to be the done thing around here. The lizard-person's eyes narrow. "Are you going there to worship," she asks, her eyes narrowing, "or are you planning to, like, loot the place?" Do you have the trait SMOOTH MOVES? [[Yes.|lizard village smooth moves yes]] [[No.|lizard village smooth moves no]]

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" you scream, in an extraordinarily high-pitched voice. The bear immediately flees into the forest at the sound of it, but this does you no good whatsoever. You ain't facin' no goblins! [[Ask a wizard instead.|Ask a wizard.]]

Why would you be grossed-out by goblins? You have tons of them at home! One of the goblins shakes a can of pebbles at the bear and says "Shoo! Shoo!" It's... That's all it took. This entire encounter could have been resolved with a handful of gravel and a Pringles tube. The other goblin puts his pinky finger to the corner of his mouth. "Our services shall cost you...one hundred points of self esteem! Mwa ha ha!" You lose 100 SELF ESTEEM. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. If you have the trait MR. BRIGHTSIDE, then you consider that at least the goblins feel really good about themselves now. But you don't have that trait, do you? So you mostly just feel 100 points worse about yourself. [[Continue to the village of the lizard people.]]

Bully for you! You gain 50 SELF ESTEEM. Record it on your Adventure Sheet. Now pick one. [[IN DENIAL|bear in denial]] [[MR. BRIGHTSIDE|bear mr. brightside]]

Does it have scare quotes around it to indicate that it's ironic? [[Yes.|lizard village scare quotes yes]] [[No.|lizard village scare quotes no]]

"The first one?" you say. You say it with an upward inflection because your moves are not smooth and you half expect that this lizard person is already well aware why you're here. However, she isn't, and she takes the upward inflection to mean that you were confused about the question because you're so extremely innocent that you just weren't expecting it at all. "Okay then," she says. "Come on in!" You're not sure how to feel about duping her so easily, but you think it's "good." Roll two dice and add the total to your SELF ESTEEM. [[Enter the village of the lizard people.]]

"Uh, no," you say. "No, I'm not." "No you're not here to loot the place or no you're not here to worship?" "I'm here to worship!" you say. "I'm way into snake cults or whatever." "That's not really what the temple is about," explains the lizard person, "and you don't really sound like you're actually in a snake cult. I can't help but feel as though you probably are planning to loot the place." Well, you could really do with a distraction. Is GHARUG THRO-UPP among your party members? [[Yes.|lizard village gharug thro-upp yes]] [[No.|lizard village gharug thro-upp no]]

It does, though. It totally does. [[Okay, yeah.|lizard village scare quotes yes]]

"Flies for sale!" shouts a street vendor. "Get your leggy, juicy flies here! Fresh from the stench farms!" "Hot rocks!" shouts another. "Hot rocks, selling like hot cakes!" "More flies for sale!" shouts a third, different stallholder. "They're a staple food so our economy can easily support more than one business that sells them. Get your flies here!" The worldbuilding in this place is a little heavy-handed. You decide to find the Temple of Nepenthe and get in and out as quickly as possible. [[Wander around aimlessly hoping you stumble across it.]] [[Find a tavern and ask there.]]

No matter what comes out of your mouth at this point, she's not going to believe it. Fortunately, thro-Upp is here to cut you a break. Finally succumbing to your earlier session of heavy drinking at Megalurtz, he pukes all over her shoes. "By the gods!" she shouts, clutching her hands to her head. "It's everywhere!" She runs off either to change her shoes, or to begin her own quest for the Unsee Elixir, leaving you free to enter the village of the lizard people. [[Enter the village of the lizard people.]]

"Uhhhhhhhhhh..." Yeah. You've blown it. It's rare that one of these conversational segments will end so badly that you lose the entire game, but it's happening. Here you are. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take a stroll down Market Street, picking up a lot of ham-fisted expository background dialogue about the Terrarium Wars along the way. None of it has any relevance to your current quest for the Unsee Elixir, so when you reach the far side of the village you're inclined to just keep on walking and forget about the Temple of Nepenthe altogether. Fortunately, this is exactly what leads you to the Temple of Nepenthe. Sweet! [[Go inside the temple.]]

You find a tavern - The Slither Inn - and sit down at the bar. (If Gharug thro-Upp is among your party members, he immediately begins guzzling booze. Even if he just thru-upp. There's no need to note anything on your Adventure Sheet, I just thought you should know.) "What can I get you?" asks the bartender, wiping the rim of a glass with an irritated-looking marmot. [["Information."]] [["One of those suspiciously foamy ciders, please!"]]

Here you are. Your quest has brought you to the ancient halls that house the fabled Unsee Elixir. You have faced many challenges, but still the greatest have yet to be encountered. As you walk between the high stone arches of this hallowed place, your footsteps echo mournfully against the flags. This is no place of communion - not a space for the living to gather and rejoice - but a monument to long-forgotten gods, mighty and austere. You suspect that forces greater than mere sanctity guard the treasures of this place. You only hope you have the strength of will to prevail. It's a big freakin' deal that you're here, would be the thing to take away from this. How's your self esteem holding up? [[If your self esteem is greater than zero, click here.|temple self esteem high]] [[If your self esteem is zero or lower, click here.|temple self esteem low]]

"Where is the Temple of Nepethe?" you demand, slamming your fist on the bar for emphasis. "Right over there." The bartender points out the window. Squinting in the direction indicated, you can just see a couple of spires poking out over the trees. "Thank you." "Anything else?" [["One of those suspiciously foamy ciders."]] [["No, I'm good."|Go inside the temple.]]

You know how weird-looking food and drink from faraway lands sometimes turns out to be especially delicious? This isn't one of those times. It tastes like an apple that's been clutched in an armpit for six to eight weeks. You only grudgingly chug the whole thing. It's disconcertingly thick. You gain the trait GASSY. Note in on your Adventure Sheet now. "Would you like to know about the fermentation process?" asks the bartender. Not wanting to also begin a quest for the Unhear Elixir, you decline. "Just tell me where the Temple of Nepenthe is," you say. "Right over there." He points out the window. [[Go to the temple.|Go inside the temple.]]

You're not sure where to find a priest. If you were, you'd probably have opted to ask one straight away instead of deciding on the wizard/lizard thing. You wonder where you might be able to find this information. [[Go to a library.]] [[Go to a cemetery.]]

You find a library - which is a hassle in its own right, let me tell you - and approach the librarian at the front desk. She's eating a Waldorf salad. Do you have the trait TRAUMATISED BY CELERY? [[Yes.|traumatised by celery yes]] [[No.|traumatised by celery no]]

You step through the creaking iron gates of the cemetery. It's quiet. Too quiet. Is there A SPOOKY SKULL drawn on your Adventure Sheet? [[Yes.|cemetery skull yes]] [[No.|cemetery skull no]]

No you don't. Shut up. Draw A MASSIVE CELERY STALK on your Adventure Sheet as a reminder not to pick blatantly silly options in future. Seriously, it should pretty much cover the whole thing. Do it in green pen if you can find one. [[Okay then.|traumatised by celery no]]

"A priest?" asks the librarian. "I'm afraid I'm not sure. But the Temple of Nepenthe isn't too far: somebody there should be able to point you in the right direction." She gives you a map, a compass, a page of written directions, and a coupon for 50% off a carriage ride on that route when travelling in a group of four or more (for which you may or may not qualify depending on the size of your party). "Sorry I couldn't be more help!" she says. [[Go inside the temple.]]

Spooky scary forces roil within you! You do a massive burp, and it tastes like that epic cocktail you drank at Legless. Suddenly you realise: that cocktail must have been the legendary Corpse Reviver! You can tell because corpses are being revived all around you. Rotting hands burst forth from the ground. It seems you have gained the magic power: NECROMANCY! Add it to your Adventure Sheet now. [[Run away screaming like a little girl.]] [[Brutal slow-motion graveyard battle!]]

Absolutely nothing happens. [[Go to a library instead.|Go to a library.]]

You lose 40 SELF ESTEEM. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. You decide to try the library instead. But only once you've stopped screaming, because you don't want to be shushed by a librarian. [[Stop screaming.|Go to a library.]]

A huge crowd of shambling corpses closes in around you. There's, uh... There's more than you thought. [[Epic zombie facepunch!]] [[Say "Can we talk about this?"]]

You send your fist crashing into the face of the nearest zombie. Its head breaks open like a ripe melon, splattering liquefying brains everywhere in glorious slow-mo. [[Skeleton dick kick!]] [[Stop and try to negotiate|Say "Can we talk about this?"]]

You lose 20 SELF ESTEEM. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. The hideous crowd of corpses does not respond to your pleas for mercy. However, neither do they crack open your head and eat your brain. It turns out that having raised this undead horde, it's yours to command. A LARGE UNDEAD HORDE has joined your party. Add them to your Adventure Sheet now. [[Go to a library.]] [[Ask your horde where the temple is.]]

You launch your boot into a skeleton's...well, it's a bare pelvis but you figure there's about a 50% chance it's where a dick used to be. It shatters into a cloud of pulverised bone. From out of nowhere, a rocking guitar riff plays. You also punch a bunch more faces, because that seems to be very effective. [[Sweet backflip body slam!]] [[Opt for diplomacy instead.|Say "Can we talk about this?"]]

Oop. No. Nope. You don't know how to do a backflip. You pretty much just turn 180 degrees in midair and crack your head on a grave slab. Do you have the trait MILD(?) CONCUSSION? [[Yes.|graveyard mild concussion yes]] [[No.|graveyard mild concussion no]]

Well, it's not mild anymore. In fact, it's fatal. You become a spooky ghost, unable to cross over to the afterlife due to your unfinished business regarding the Unsee Elixir. Also, because you never found and drank it, you still remember that thing you really wanted to unsee. This situation sucks in general, is what I'm saying. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

Well, you do now! Add it to your Adventure Sheet. Also, the huge crowd of zombies and skeletons totally surrounds you while you're lying on the ground clutching your skull and saying "Ow" and "Oof" and whatnot. It's okay, though. Turns out they're, you know, bound to your will anyway. Fighting them was not only pointless, it was actively counterproductive. A MODEST UNDEAD HORDE has joined your party. Add them to your Adventure Sheet now. [[Go to a library.]] [[Ask your horde where the temple is.]]

Most of the horde just stands there, slack-jawed, staring blankly at you. However, one relatively fresh zombie wearing a Pope hat groans and raises a finger towards a particular point on the horizon. [[Go to the Temple of Nepenthe.|Go inside the temple.]]

You know what? You got this! You take a confident stride forwards. It's perhaps a little overly confident and a little underly cautious. You step right onto a rake. The handle swings up and hits you in the face. It doesn't appear to be a deliberate booby-trap. It's more likely that a well-meaning caretaker left it propped against a pillar and at some point it fell down. You lose 2 SELF ESTEEM. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Explore the temple.]]

You gain the trait: SHAKY KNEES. Unfortunately, the only option you have at this point that doesn't involve venturing into the depths of this temple to search for the Unsee Elixir is to turn around and go home, and your self-worth just can't take that kind of punishment right now. Onwards it is! [[Wobble wobble wobble...|Explore the temple.]]

You venture forth into the gloom and soon come to a trapdoor. It's the kind of trapdoor that definitely leads to treasure. You know. You're a Dungeon Lord. [[Climb through trapdoor.]] [[Explore the ground floor of the temple more thoroughly.]]

You descend the ladder, placing your feet carefully on each rung in case of booby traps, and your hands carefully in case of splinters. So far so good. At the bottom of the ladder, you find a long stone corridor - inexplicably lined with bright lit torches - that forks at the end. To the left, there is narrow, undecorated stretch of hallway. It offers you no insight into what you might find at the end of it, nor what you might encounter as you tread its floors. To the right, there is a wide, lavishly decorated stretch of hallway, lined with armour forged to fit the reptilian denizens of this land. Such finery would be well placed to mark the path to the Unsee Elixir, yet such opulence seems almost designed to disguise tripwire or pressure plate. Have you noticed that the register of this story has just gone through the roof since you stepped inside this temple? You're definitely getting near the end! [[Go left.|temple left]] [[Go right.|temple right]] [[Steal all the miraculously pre-lit torches, learn their secrets, and start a business selling the things.]]

Nope. The Unsee Elixir isn't here. It's basically trapdoor or nothing. [[Climb through trapdoor.]]

Perhaps this path appealed because of its plainness, but now you contemplate actually walking down it, you wonder if that might have been its designer's intention. If there are any others with you, you may choose to send them first. Seems like kind of a dick move, though. [[Gharug thro-Upp|temple left Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|temple left Betilla Bearbane]] [[Logan O'Leary|temple left Logan O'Leary]] [[Harvey the Rabbit|temple left Harvey the Rabbit]] [[Hound of Halitosis|temple left Hound of Halitosis]] [[A freakin' bear!!!|temple left a freakin' bear!!!]] [[An undead horde of any size|temple left undead horde]] [[Just go yourself.]]

If there are any others with you, you may choose to send them first. You know. If you want to be a total douche. [[Gharug thro-Upp|temple right Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|temple right Betilla Bearbane]] [[Logan O'Leary|temple right Logan O'Leary]] [[Harvey the Rabbit|temple right Harvey the Rabbit]] [[Hound of Halitosis|temple right Hound of Halitosis]] [[A freakin' bear!!!|temple right a freakin' bear!!!]] [[An undead horde of any size|temple right undead horde]] [[Just go yourself.|Just go yourself. right]]

Gharug thro-Upp shakes his head. "Dick move, bro!" He starts back towards the ladder leading up to the trapdoor. "Dick move." He flips you off as he climbs. It's practically an acrobatic feat, and it's all the more devastating because of it. Roll two dice. The total is the amount of SELF ESTEEM you lose from this humiliation. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. Also, needless to say, GHARUG THRO-UPP has left your party. Remove him from your Adventure Sheet now. Even if you've got another party member to send on your behalf, you can't really play that particular card at this point. [[Just go yourself.]]

"Excuse me?" Betilla Bearbane gives you an appalled look, turns around and begins to make her way back towards the ladder leading up to the trapdoor. Then she thinks better of it, returns to you, and kicks you in the balls. //Then// she goes back up through the trapdoor. Roll two dice. The total is the amount of SELF ESTEEM you lose. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. Also, needless to say, BETILLA BEARBANE has left your party. Remove her from your Adventure Sheet now. Even if you've got another party member to send on your behalf, you can't really play that particular card at this point. [[Just go yourself.]]

"Oh no!" Logan O'Leary backs away from the potentially trap-filled corridor. "With my luck? No thanks!" While backing away, he accidentally trips and cracks his head open on the stone floor. Needless to say, LOGAN O'LEARY is no longer in your party. Remove him from your Adventure Sheet now. Even if you've got another party member to send on your behalf, this probably isn't the time to ask. [[Just go yourself.]]

I don't know how to tell you this, but Harvey isn't real. He was merely a product of the same epic drinking session that revealed the location of the Unsee Elixir. Cross out (but do not actually erase) HARVEY THE RABBIT on your Adventure Sheet now. Is there anybody else you could possibly send down this potentially trap-filled corridor on your behalf? [[Gharug thro-Upp|temple left Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|temple left Betilla Bearbane]] [[Logan O'Leary|temple left Logan O'Leary]] [[Hound of Halitosis|temple left Hound of Halitosis]] [[A freakin' bear!!!|temple left a freakin' bear!!!]] [[An undead horde of any size|temple left undead horde]] [[Just go yourself.]]

You use your amazing BEAST MASTER abilities to direct the Hound of Halitosis down the suspicious corridor. It is a far, far better thing this dog does, than... Oh. It's fine. Yeah, turns out this corridor was totes safe, actually. [[Continue deeper into the temple.]]

You use your amazing BEAST MASTER abilities to direct the freakin' bear down this suspicious corridor, and... Oh. Oh geez. Yeah, turns out the corridor wasn't booby trapped, but it was structurally unsound. The bear drops through the floor into some kind of sub-basement, a large portion of the ceiling drops in on top of it, and the real estate value of the temple drops by a few thousand groats. Your SELF ESTEEM takes a bit of a dip too, to the value of 20 POINTS. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. Also remove A FREAKIN' BEAR!!! (RIP) from your list of party members. [[Go right instead.|temple right]] [[Go with the torch-stealing plan after all.|Steal all the miraculously pre-lit torches, learn their secrets, and start a business selling the things.]]

Using your astounding powers of NECROMANCY you direct your large/modest mass of dead peeps down the suspicious corridor. It's not like they've got anything to lose! Turns out there are no traps anyway, which is good. It also turns out that the corridor was too shoddily built to accommodate so large a crowd, which is less good. Your mass of skelebuddies and zombros crashes right into the floor, and the roof right on top of them. If your UNDEAD HORDE was LARGE, it is now MODEST. If it was MODEST, it has been entirely vanquished by the righteous forces of gravity and poor workmanship and should be removed from your Adventure Sheet entirely. [[Go right instead.|temple right]] [[Go with the torch-stealing plan after all.|Steal all the miraculously pre-lit torches, learn their secrets, and start a business selling the things.]]

Treading as lightly as you possibly can, you take your first few steps down the corridor. As you do so, the very universe itself begins to play a tense tone, softly, on a sinister violin. Slowly, every so slowly, you make your way from the fork in the hallway, to the other end, where it turns a corner. You follow this new path, sweat dripping from your brow, SINISTER VIOLIN SOUNDS RINGING IN YOUR EARS, and... ...yeah, no that's it. Turns out there were no traps at all. It was a huge amount of fuss for nothing. [[Continue deeper into the temple.]]

You do that! Or rather, you steal all the torches and start a business selling them, but you never do manage to reverse-engineer whatever ancient magic prevents them from burning out. You do, however, get a whole crew of dwarves together to go out and steal as many magic torches as they can find. Eventually all the caves and temples and whatnot run dry, and since nobody ever needs a replacement burns-forever torch the market dries up too. You counter this by sending your dwarves to steal torches back out of your customers' homes. It isn't so much an actual business at this point as it is a fencing racket, but it works a lot better than your whole dungeon thing, which you're still constantly thinking about because you never did get hold of the Unsee Elixir. You gain the trait: BUSINESS SAVVY. Add it to your Adventure Sheet now. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You reach the inner sanctum of the Temple of Nepenthe, and... Oh. Looks like both corridors eventually led here. That feels kind of redundant. Here, in the heart of the temple, you find a reptilian knight of impossible age. He turns to face you, his coif of chain glinting in the torchlight, his eyes blank and milky. "Step forth, traveller or travellers, who have braved the perils of the Passage of Peril, or possibly the Passage of No Specific Threat but That We Kind of Skimped out on When It Came to Hiring Contractors and It's Not in Great Shape." "That sounds like the kind of vague statement you'd only make if you had no way of knowing for sure who you're talking to or how they got into the room where you live." "Well," says the knight, "I am blind." "Oh, man! From drinking the Unsee Elixir?" "No," says the knight. "From...other stuff." There is an awkward pause. "Come," he says, extending a hand. "You have done well to best the challenges of this place, and thus have earned your prize." You shake his hand. For a lizard person, his palms sure are hairy. [[Claim your prize.]]

"Oh no." Logan O'Leary stops, turns around, and stares at you. "With my luck? I'm not going first!" Unfortunately, the moment he starts walking back towards the trapdoor out of there, Logan stubs his toe really badly. He grabs hold of it with both hands, completely off-balance and hopping furiously. He tumbles down the suspiciously ornately decorated hallway. The whole thing just e x p l o d e s. Like, you sort of figured that all the armour and tapestries and whatnot was //probably// there to disguise a whole bunch of booby traps, but there's overkill and then there's overkill overkill. You count half a dozen spike pits, a whole dozen swinging glaives, and a dozen dozen blowpipe darts smeared with viperbat venom. That's just gross! Also, at one point, two boulders roll down from opposite ends of the hallway, and they smash into each other and break open, and it turns out that both of them were hollow and full of angry bees. And the bees are angry because they're on fire. Needless to say, LOGAN O'LEARY is no longer in your party. Remove him from your Adventure Sheet now. But on the bright side, area secure! Right? [[Continue deeper into the temple.]]

I don't know how to tell you this, but Harvey isn't real. He was merely a product of the same epic drinking session that revealed the location of the Unsee Elixir. Cross out (but do not actually erase) HARVEY THE RABBIT on your Adventure Sheet now. Is there anybody else you could possibly send down this potentially trap-filled corridor on your behalf? [[Gharug thro-Upp|temple right Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|temple right Betilla Bearbane]] [[Logan O'Leary|temple right Logan O'Leary]] [[Hound of Halitosis|temple right Hound of Halitosis]] [[A freakin' bear!!!|temple right a freakin' bear!!!]] [[An undead horde of any size|temple right undead horde]] [[Just go yourself.|Just go yourself. right]]

You use your amazing BEAST MASTER abilities to direct the Hound of Halitosis down the suspiciously ornate corridor. It is a far, far better thing this dog does, than... Oh. It's fine. Yeah, turns out that despite its suspiciously lavish decorations this corridor was actually totes safe. [[Continue deeper into the temple.|actually no it wasn't safe after all]]

You use your amazing BEAST MASTER abilities to direct the bear down the probably trap-filled hallway, and discover that it is in fact a definitely trap-filled hallway. The bear is dead: peppered with poison darts, slashed at by huge swinging glaives, crushed by boulders and stung repeatedly by the flaming bees that were concealed within those boulders. Remove A FREAKIN' BEAR!!! from your Adventure Sheet now. If it's any consolation, you're confident that the bear felt no pain after those first eight or nine swinging glaives. Also you're pretty much positive that your late bear buddy set off //all// the booby traps. [[Continue deeper into the temple.]]

Using your sinister powers of NECROMANCY, you guide your large/modest UNDEAD HORDE into the suspiciously ornate hallway and... Wow. Woooow. WOOOOW. Technically no lives were lost, but still. That was a lot of traps. Whether your UNDEAD HORDE was LARGE or merely MODEST, it is gone now. Remove it from your Adventure Sheet. You're going to be shaking fragments of skeleton out of your massive honking bad guy boots for weeks. But hey. The traps have all been pre-stumbled-into, and that's what counts. [[Continue deeper into the temple.]]

Do you have the trait SHAKY KNEES? [[Yes.|temple shaky knees yes]] [[No.|temple shaky knees no]]

Oh wait. No it wasn't. It seems the dog just wasn't heavy enough to set off any traps. [[Oops.|trap death]]

Roll a die. If the result is four or higher, you are lucky. If the result is three or lower, you are //unlucky//. [[Lucky.]] [[Unlucky.]]

You take a couple of steps down the very dodgy-looking hallway, but man are your knees shaking. Like, they're REALLY shaking. The armour lining the walls begins to rattle under their influence. It's pretty spooky, which only makes the whole knee thing worse. Several concealed glaives are shaken loose from the ceiling, and a few false tiles shatter apart to reveal spike pits concealed beneath. Hair-thin trip wires begin to ripple uncontrollably, and whole bunch of poison darts burst from the walls. A couple of boulders drop from the ceiling, but instead of rolling down the hallway they just sort of get stuck on some of the larger pieces of armour that fell off the pedestals. It's a bit anticlimactic. Basically, you're enough of a wuss that you've preemptively set off every single booby trap you might have encountered. It makes you feel significantly better: you gain 100 SELF ESTEEM. Note this on your Adventure Sheet now. [[Continue deeper into the temple.]]

You notice the //second// rake just in time, and sidestep it with masterful grace! It's very lucky indeed. Unfortunately, when you put your foot down on the floor tile next to it, it sort of drops slightly. There's a definite mechanical click. This is less lucky. [[Uh-oh.|trap death]]

You step on //another// rake, and it too swings up and hits you in the face. Unlucky! It's kind of a good thing in the long run, though, because while you're hopping around clutching your nose and saying "Ow!" and "Oof!" and stuff and wondering if you can pass the inevitable black eye off as the result of having been punched by a giant, an absolute mammoth-load of traps go off all along the hallway. Like, you don't exactly see or hear a lot of it because you've got your hands pressed over your face and you're saying "Ow!" and "Oof! pretty much constantly, but you know it's happening. You think you spot some flaming bees at one point. By the time you've finally recovered enough to look around (but before your face stops stinging), the hallway ahead of you is pretty much cleared out. You can walk right on through. [[Continue deeper into the temple.]]

A massive glaive swings down from the ceiling and totally beasts you in the face. It's so brutal. It also sets off a total domino effect of bonus booby traps that form a kind of conga line of humiliation, but you don't notice due to your severe case of glaive-face. If there are any other people in your party, they take up your quest for the Unsee Elixir. Not on your behalf, I mean. Just to unsee...//that//. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

The ancient knight leads you down a spiral staircase and into a candle-lit chamber, known only to a select few, and remembered only by whatever proportion of those don't go on to use the elixir to unsee it. On a table at the centre of the chamber, and set on shelves all around its walls, are countless goblets of all shapes and sizes. A font of pure, clear water stands before an arcane mural on the far wall. "You must choose," says the knight, "but choose wisely. For as the true cup of the Unsee Elixir will allow you to forget that which you wish forgotten, the false cup will cause you to forget why you are here." [[Choose a cup.]] [[Seek out some other method of revealing the solution.]] [[Roll your eyes at the obvious Indiana Jones parody.]]

You take stock of the many, many cups that fill this room: [[A big gold goblet with tons and tons of emeralds.]] [[An elegant silver chalice with countless tiny rubies.]] [[A small brass cup marked with fine engravings.]] [[A solid lead tankard with a sturdy handle.]] [[A simple clay cup: the cup of a carpenter.]] [[A crystal tumbler, gleaming with its own ethereal light.]] [[A porcelain mug bearing the likeness of Saint Garfield, who hateth Mondays.]] [[A different small brass cup with engravings. It's very similar to the other one. You think they might have been part of a set.]] [[A snifter forged of purest mythril, dwarven-made.]] [[A really cool mead horn with a golden rim.]] [[A third small brass cup with engravings. You're pretty much sure these things are all identical.]]

Nope. You got nothin'. [[Choose a cup.]]

Yeah, yeah. I know. But it was either this or have it turn out that the temple only had a //recipe// for the Unsee Elixir, and I don't think either of us really wants to do a three-part fetch quest where you have to find the ingredients. There really aren't that many ways to wrap up a quest like this. There either has to be some final challenge, or it turns out that the real treasure you've been seeking was inside you all along. [[Choose a cup.]] [[Seek out some other method of revealing the solution.]] [[Decide the real Unsee Elixir was inside you all along.]]

No, see, what's inside you are memories of the events leading up to this point, and //that's exactly what you're trying to get rid of//. [[Choose a cup.]] [[Seek out some other method of revealing the solution.]] [[Decide the real Unsee Elixir was the friends you made along the way.]]

You know what? Fine. Who's in your party right now? [[Gharug thro-Upp|finale Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|finale Betilla Bearbane]] [[Logan O'Leary|finale Logan O'Leary]] [[Harvey the Rabbit|finale Harvey the Rabbit]] [[Hound of Halitosis|finale Hound of Halitosis]] [[A freakin' bear!!!|finale a freakin' bear!!!]] [[An undead horde of any size|finale undead horde]] [[The floor]] [[Nobody.]]

Alright, then. You and thro-Upp (and anybody else who's hanging around with you right now - I can't be bothered to check) go and get sloshed again. This counts as an Unsee Elixir for some reason, even though your quest was for a very specific item with very specific effects. Except actually, going out and getting apocalyptically drunk does achieve some very similar effects so good job I guess. Adventure complete. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You and Betilla have a lovely time wandering the countryside and slaughtering bears. It's a proper environmental disaster. When you first start people are happy because the bears have been kind of a nuisance, but pretty quickly the sheer scale of the enterprise becomes a problem. You wouldn't think that two people could kill off an entire species all on their own - you with a big hammer, her with her bare hands - but she's really got a grudge against bears, and you're really trying to forget that thing you saw earlier. You know. That thing you still vividly remember because as nice as friendship is, it definitely isn't the Unsee Elixir, which is the thing you were after. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

LOGAN O'LEARY was carried off by gremlins while you were busy rolling your eyes. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. Remove him from your Adventure Sheet now. Is there anybody else? [[Gharug thro-Upp|finale Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|finale Betilla Bearbane]] [[Harvey the Rabbit|finale Harvey the Rabbit]] [[Hound of Halitosis|finale Hound of Halitosis]] [[A freakin' bear!!!|finale a freakin' bear!!!]] [[An undead horde of any size|finale undead horde]] [[The floor]] [[Nobody.]]

Look, I'll level with you. Harvey the Rabbit was just a hallucination brought on by excessive consumption of fancy cocktails. HOWEVER, your simple, childlike faith in him - or rather, the fact you've apparently gone this entire time without acknowledging that he just didn't belong on your Adventure Sheet - has made him real. Like Mister Gepetto's wish in //Pinocchio// or Michael Jordan's Secret Stuff in //Space Jam//, the very force of your belief has had improbable tangible effects. "The cup you want is the big gold one with tons and tons of emeralds," says Harvey. "Or you could just forget about that and we could go do rabbit stuff." [[Choose a cup.]] [[Do rabbit stuff instead.]]

Great. Wonderful. You've been through this whole adventure and it turns out the reward was a stray dog with exceptionally bad breath. Roll two dice and multiply the total by one hundred million (100,000,000). That's the amount of SELF ESTEEM you lose as the result of this revelation. Record it on your Adventure Sheet now. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

Right. Great. Sure. I hope the bear was your only party member, because if you picked it over literally anybody else, you're an idiot. The "real" treasure was a gigantic hairy animal that you can only control by... Hang on, do you even have the BEAST MASTER trait? Because if not, this is a particularly bold choice of happy ending. I don't care how much of an optimist you are, at some point you really have to wonder whether your animal buddy is going to get peckish and start trying to peel you like a banana. So anyway, yeah. Have fun with that. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

No. Okay? Just no. The corpses constituting your undead horde do not count as "friends you made along the way." They're sympathetically embarrassed for you just for suggesting it. Pick again. [[Gharug thro-Upp|finale Gharug thro-Upp]] [[Betilla Bearbane|finale Betilla Bearbane]] [[Logan O'Leary|finale Logan O'Leary]] [[Harvey the Rabbit|finale Harvey the Rabbit]] [[Hound of Halitosis|finale Hound of Halitosis]] [[A freakin' bear!!!|finale a freakin' bear!!!]] [[The floor]] [[Nobody.]]

Are you serious? You haven't made ANY friends, and you're still trying to play the "friends along the way" card? You lose 500 SELF ESTEEM and gain the trait: BILLY NO-MATES. Record this on your Adventure Sheet now. In fact, draw a sad face in the PARTY MEMBERS section just to really hammer it home. It should have a tear dropping from one of its eyes and everything. Now get on with your quest. [[Choose a cup.]] [[Seek out some other method of revealing the solution.]]

"Hey man," says the floor. "I'm gonna tell you something. Listen...listen good." The floor leans...up...to whisper in your ear. "I've been supporting you this whole time, right? Like, literally supporting you literally this entire quest. And I know you've got my back too. When the narrator said 'Don't add the floor to your Adventure sheet, the floor's a dick,' I knew you'd add me anyway. Knew it! We get each other, man. It //is// about the friends you make along the way. And you and me? We're the best friends!" The floor glances around conspiratorily before continuing in a whisper: "There's a whole lot of cups in here, man. But between you and me? The one you want? It's the Garfield mug. I know it's stupid - it's got no business even being here - but I think that's the point. That's the one you want, man! That's the one you want." "What's taking so long?" demands the lizard knight. [[Choose a cup.|choose a cup false]]

"Rabbit stuff" turns out to consist almost entirely of scraping holes in the ground and doing many very small poops. It's most disappointing. **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take up the ornate golden goblet and fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from it. "You have chosen...wisely," says the knight. "At least, I don't hear any super-ageing, so I assume that's what happened. You did go for the big gold one with all the emeralds, right?" Success! You've, uh... You've... Nuts. What was that thing you came here to unsee? You just can't seem to picture it. Oh, hey! Sweet. Quest complete! Give yourself a gold star. Seriously, if you have one, slap a GOLD STAR on your Adventure Sheet. If not, any kind of sticker will do. You definitely deserve a little something! **[[YOU RETURN HOME VICTORIOUS]]**

You take up the ornate silver chalice and fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from it. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. You swish the liquid around your mouth for a moment before swallowing. "This is gin," you observe. "Yes," says the knight. "You have drunk of the enchanted gin, and thus your quest is at an end." You look from the chalice in your hand to the pure spring water in the basin before you. You feel as though there was some //other// reason you came here, but still... "I'll say it is!" You hold the cup aloft as you turn to strut back up the stairs. "I can turn water into booze!" **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take up the engraved brass cup and fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from it. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. You swish the liquid around your mouth for a moment before swallowing. "This is vodka," you observe. "Yes," says the knight. "You have drunk of the enchanted vodka, and thus your quest is at an end." You look from the cup in your hand to the pure spring water in the basin before you. You feel as though there was some //other// reason you came here, but still... "I'll say it is!" You hold the cup aloft as you turn to strut back up the stairs. "I can turn water into booze!" **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take up the heavy lead tankard and fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from it. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. You swish the liquid around your mouth for a moment before swallowing. "It's still just water," you point out. "Is it!?" says the knight. "Hang on, did you go for the lead tankard? I think the deal with that one is that it's made out of lead. You shouldn't really be drinking from it. Have another go." [[A big gold goblet with tons and tons of emeralds.]] [[An elegant silver chalice with countless tiny rubies.]] [[A small brass cup marked with fine engravings.]] [[A simple clay cup: the cup of a carpenter.]] [[A crystal tumbler, gleaming with its own ethereal light.]] [[A porcelain mug bearing the likeness of Saint Garfield, who hateth Mondays.]] [[A different small brass cup with engravings. It's very similar to the other one. You think they might have been part of a set.]] [[A snifter forged of purest mythril, dwarven-made.]] [[A really cool mead horn with a golden rim.]] [[A third small brass cup with engravings. You're pretty much sure these things are all identical.]]

You take up the simple clay cup and fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from it. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. You swish the liquid around your mouth for a moment before swallowing. "This is tequila," you observe. "Yes," says the knight. "You have drunk of the enchanted tequila, and thus your quest is at an end." You look from the cup in your hand to the pure spring water in the basin before you. You feel as though there was some //other// reason you came here, but still... "I'll say it is!" You hold the cup aloft as you turn to strut back up the stairs. "I can turn water into booze!" **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take up the mystical crystal tumbler and fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from it. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. You swish the liquid around your mouth for a moment before swallowing. "This is rum," you observe. "Yes," says the knight. "You have drunk of the enchanted rum, and thus your quest is at an end." You look from the crystal tumbler in your hand to the pure spring water in the basin before you. You feel as though there was some //other// reason you came here, but still... "I'll say it is!" You hold the tumbler aloft as you turn to strut back up the stairs. "I can turn water into booze!" **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take up the... Well, it's a mug. It's a very ordinary-looking mug. You're pretty much counting on its unassuming appearance being camouflage for some serious magical power. Anyway, you fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from the vessel. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. You immediately spray the room with spit. "This is paint thinner!" "Yes," says the knight. "You have drunk of the enchanted paint thinner, and thus your quest is at an end." You look around and find that you appear to be standing in Goblets 'R Us. "What quest?" **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END, APPARENTLY|YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take up the fine mythril snifter and fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from it. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. You swish the liquid around your mouth for a moment before swallowing. "This is apple brandy," you observe. You vaguely remember someone recommending the apple brandy, but suddenly you can't remember who or why. "Yes," says the knight. "You have drunk of the enchanted apple brandy, and thus your quest is at an end." You look from the snifter in your hand to the pure spring water in the basin before you. You feel as though there was some //other// reason you came here, but still... "I'll say it is!" You hold the snifter aloft as you turn to strut back up the stairs. "This apple brandy is excellent!" **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take up the awesome mead horn and fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from it. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. "Poorly!?" you exclaim. "This thing turns water into mead!" You get the sense that by choosing this thing over some other thing you've missed out on whatever it was you actually came here for, but who cares! You've got instant mead, man! **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You stride back to your dungeon, throw open the doors, and OH GEEZ, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE??? **[[YOUR NEW QUEST FOR THE UNSEE ELIXIR BEGINS|YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**

You take stock of the many, many cups that fill this room: [[A big gold goblet with tons and tons of emeralds.]] [[An elegant silver chalice with countless tiny rubies.]] [[A small brass cup marked with fine engravings.]] [[A solid lead tankard with a sturdy handle.]] [[A simple clay cup: the cup of a carpenter.]] [[A crystal tumbler, gleaming with its own ethereal light.]] [[A porcelain mug bearing the likeness of Saint Garfield, who hateth Mondays.|floor Garfield mug]] [[A different small brass cup with engravings. It's very similar to the other one. You think they might have been part of a set.]] [[A snifter forged of purest mythril, dwarven-made.]] [[A really cool mead horn with a golden rim.]] [[A third small brass cup with engravings. You're pretty much sure these things are all identical.]]

You take up the... Well, it's a mug. It's a very ordinary-looking mug. You're pretty much counting on its unassuming appearance being camouflage for some serious magical power. Anyway, you fill it from the font. You pause, your eyes meeting the knight's pale orbs, before drinking deeply from the vessel. "You have chosen...poorly," says the knight. You immediately spray the room with spit. "This is paint thinner!" Suddenly, the floor starts laughing at you. It's not subtle. The whole room shakes. You can tell it finds this whole situation extremely funny at your expense, but...somehow you're not sure why. "You have drunk of the enchanted paint thinner," explains the knight, "and thus your quest is at an end." You look around and find that you appear to be standing in Goblets 'R Us. "What quest?" I told you the floor was a dick! **[[YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END, APPARENTLY|YOUR QUEST IS AT AN END]]**